slightly scary

1 Jun

Superman

I went to Six Flags Great America this weekend!

I know what you’re thinking. I’m posting about being scared on a roller coaster. Well….you’re wrong, so suck it.

Despite the fact that it’s been reported Six Flags is out of bankruptcy and now managing their debt, this weekend was pitifully empty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining that we waited no longer than 10-15 minutes for a ride, but they’re not gonna make enough money to live on selling $5 water and Batman capes (however cool they make you seem).

This post does have a point. Stop rushing me.

So, we’re standing in line for our last ride on the Raging Bull (a steel coaster that will rock your face off) and we get all the way to the front so we’re the next group to get on. The group in front of us loads and there’s a woman, who is fairly large, and unfortunately happens to carry a lot of her weight in the stomach region, whose security bar thingy won’t lock because she can’t pull it in tight enough. So the ride attendant attempts to assist her by pushing in and, in the process, actually slips down into the coaster! Yes, kids, he falls down INTO THE RAGING BULL. CRAZY! One of the other attendants pulls him out. He’s doing his bestest not to cry, but he’s clearly hurt. Meanwhile, the ride controller has hit the emergency stop button, locking everyone on the ride in and requiring maintenance and supervision to come to restart it. We wait. The EMTs come, security, the higher ups, the higher higher ups. We wait. Finally, they let all the people on the train off and, because they didn’t get their ride, give them front of the line vouchers or something. They had to then let off the people who were on the two other trains, and had been waiting this whole time to be brought in. We wait. They ran some ghost runs and milled around a bit. 20 minutes later we’re let on the ride.

So, it was, of course, FREAKING OUTRAGEOUS!

When we got back, though, I was surprised to see the heavy woman still standing at the exit waiting around for some reason. If I was her I’d have gotten the hell out of there.

I would just like to say that I have nothing against heavier people and typically I would feel sympathy for this woman, but there is a test seat at the entrance to the ride for a reason. A test seat, ladies and gentleman. Use it.

P.S. The amount of people who were dressed completely inappropriately for family theme park was out of control. Put your ass cheeks away.

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anticlimactic

17 May

suck it

I spent the ENTIRE weekend at a Red Cross lifeguarding/CPR training course.

22 mind-numbing hours later I walked out with piece of paper (that promptly got wet in the rain) that says, and I paraphrase, “this paper will have to suffice as proof of certification until we can send out the official card…in June.” Seriously, Red Cross? Don’t pull out the champagne or anything.

It was bad enough that the average age in the class was 16. Do you remember how not awesome you were at 16? How awkward the boys were and how ditzy a girl would be to try get a boy’s attention? Imagine now that everyone is in their bathing suits and has to practice water rescues on each other…..

I’m poking my eyes out with your No. 2 pencil, Red Cross.

On top of all that greatness, I now have bruises on my knees from administering CPR on a tile floor to a plastic head and a minor case of the sniffles because apparently it’s vital that we watch a video on EVERY one of the various in-water saves meaning, at least twice, I donned a cold, wet bathing suit.

So, no, Red Cross, I’m going to need my card asap or, at the very least, a balloon.

orthodontic

12 May

I have almost no words for how creepy this is. I keep flashing to commercials and movies that try to give animals smiles that resemble our own. It’s weird there, it’s even weirder in real life.

http://blogs.nationalgeographic.com/blogs/news/chiefeditor/2009/06/fish-with-humanlike-teeth.html

I mean, get it together, fish, you have some serious gingivitis.

And, I know those fangs are just a scare tactic, “Vampire Fish”. I don’t fool easy.

sure signs we’re still in a recession

11 May

turn left for lost highway

Really? Where is the funding?

Also….do you mean FOUND HIGHWAY, sir?

Photo credit: My sister sent me this little piece of magic.

unecessary, but worth a picture

9 May

Dear artist of the mercury-esque sculpture thingy in Chicago’s Millennium Park,

Your “Cloud Gate” looks like a 110 ton bean.  Not sure if you knew.

That is all.

xo
Biz

LONG OVERDUE

9 May

For those of you who have heard me talking about upstarting this gem for year or so, I apologize for the ABSURD delay. For those who knew nothing of this, hey there, I just now thought of this awesome idea and voila….blog.

My intentions are, most importantly, to aid in your daily procrastination and…hmmm…I guess that’s really my only intention.

My only requirements are that you be highly judgmental and comment freely (and often).

xo
Biz